How to Feel Like a Criminal

Disclaimer #1:  I think this country's War on Drugs has been a huge money-wasting failure.  This is not just my opinion; the facts have been well documented.

Disclaimer #2: I think meth is an ugly drug and no one should use it.  Ever.  For any reason.

That said, yesterday I went to buy Sudafed to try to de-congest my head, get my eustachian tube functioning and hopefully stop listing to the right when I walk due to dizziness caused by middle-ear problems.  This is the first time I have bought Sudafed in a long time.  When I had Grave's Disease it was verboten.  Since my surgery I can take it now.

Used to be you walked into the store and picked it up off the counter paid for it and went home.  Because it is a key ingredient in the manufacture of meth the procedure is now somewhat different.  Now you pick up a card from the counter and take it to the pharmacy where they proceed to examine your ID and make you sign a book.  Only then will they unlock the secret stash drawer and give you your Sudafed.  I was kind of waiting for the fingerprinting and strip search.  Crazy.

A few weeks ago I had minor dental surgery and the oral surgeon gave me a prescription for Vicodin.  No problem.  Here is your highly addictive pain medication. We don't need to verify that you are the person whose name is on the prescription. We don't have to be sure you are not going to go out and sell the pills on the street.  Just here you go and have a nice day.

But Sudafed on the other hand, is a different story.  Because one ingredient can be used in the manufacture of another drug there must be restrictions.  Ridiculous restrictions but restrictions none the less.  And restrictions that can make a regular person like me feel as if I was doing something nefarious by buying a decongestant.

I was also brought up short a few years ago when using the self-checkout at the supermarket.  Suddenly the computer voice boomed out, 'You are attempting to purchase an age restricted item.  Please wait for cashier to verify your ID.'  Turns out I had a bottle of Robitussin for Mr. Elfcookie's cold-related cough.  Again, I am not 13 years old.  I am not likely to be interested in robo-tripping.  And again, I am being made to feel as if I am doing something nefarious.

I confess, Officer.  I'm guilty.  Of trying to unclog my head.

This Is What We Feared

However the Jane Harman affair comes out, this is using wire-tapped conversations for political ends.  This is what we feared would happen. This is what we were assured would not happen.  This is what happened.

Real "Housewives" of NYC - Part the Third

I have to lay off The Countess this week because, although she did not fail to deliver many mock worthy moments, her compatriots have been sadly neglected.  I do have to mention the meeting with the woman who is 'helping her write', aka ghost-writing, her book about All Things Countessy.  As The Countess droned on and on the poor woman looked as if she were wondering what happened to her dreams of life as a writer in New York.  They seemed so bright and shiny back in Creative Writing class.

On to Kelly.  Kelly Horseleatherface of the Sun Damaged Dermis is the 'new' 'housewife'.  A single mother of two girls with strange names, Kelly does something but I'm not sure what.  Apparently she writes for a magazine and plays at making jewelry for 20-something soccer moms to wear out to dinner with their husbands.  I know, it didn't make sense when she said it on TV either.  Oh, and by the way, when your boy toy says in his bumbling English that your applied-with-a-spatula make-up gets all over his face when you smooch?  That's not a good thing.

Kelly and Bethenny have an ongoing bitch fight because Kelly didn't want her name on the invitation for Jill's charity shindig.  Last week, Kelly invited Bethenny for a drink so she could shriek at her about how much she hates her.  Kelly then met the boy toy for another drink and made horse-teefs at him for the rest of the night.

And what the f$%k was she doing running in the middle of the street?  Passersby were turning around - yes, in NYC - to look at the crazy lady running amongst the taxis with a camera crew in the middle of the damn street.  Oh, and she also went with Jill while Jill picked out at $16,000 handbag (Jill explained that what with the economy in the shitter an all, she was being frugal and not getting jewelry for her birthday this year.)

This was birthday week.  Jill's and Alex's.  Jill got the handbag as a gift from her sugar daddy/husband.  Sugarpops also surprised her with a Mercedes SUV.  She bitched because it didn't have an iPhone connector.

On the other side of the bridge in Brooklyn, Simon picked out a paltry pair of cheap-ass earrings (a mere $6K) for Alex.  He then surprised her by taking her home.  Quite the gift for surprise that.  He wigged out in the car because the driver actually took them home instead of driving around the block first just to confuse Alex.  I actually felt bad for Alex.  It was obvious she was embarrassed to tears (literally) but she laughed it off in the joy of being surprised by being taken home to celebrate with cupcakes and the two strange, screaming blond creatures that live in their house.  Must be some sort of exotic Brooklyn house pets.

FAIL!!! The Giant Souvenir Tee Shirt Project

UPDATE:  General consensus was that this was a FAIL.  Oh, well.  At least it didn't matter that there was egg dye on it before the night was done.

I was rooting around in a closet the other day looking for something and I found a couple of old men's XL souvenir tee shirts that I had come to own by various means.  I have all the shirts I need for chores and gardening so before I put them into the Goodwill bin I decided to see if I could improve them and make them into something that could actually be worn in public.

My first attempt is above.  The shirt in question is from a trip to Busch Gardens Williamsburg a dozen years ago.  I got the shirt to commemorate the fact that I was the only one not too scared to go on the roller coasters.  I removed the sleeves and neckband and and used double fold bias tape in co-ordinating colors as trim.

View 1 is as is.  Not sure I like the power rangers shoulders.

View 2 is layered over a long sleeve white tee and a black hoodie.  It's still cool here.  I think I will wear it to egg dyeing tonight.

The other shirt I found is purple (also XL) and says 'Support Your Local Feminist Bookstore' in white.  I'm thinking lace and/or ruffles.

Real "Housewives" of NYC - Part the Second

Ok, maybe this is the DVR version of live blogging but I can't resist.  Another priceless Countess Moment this week.  The Countess went to Brooklyn (oh my god, she was slumming) to a Girl's Club to teach the 'Smart Girls' about self esteem.

Sadly, before she could begin her schtick, the actual teacher had planned an exercise where each of the girl's wrote at least five things they liked about themselves.  The Countess of course participated and ran out of paper making her list.

1.  The Countess likes that she's 'likable',  Where is she likable? I don't want to go there.

2. The Countess likes that she's 'funny, because (she) likes to tell jokes."  Again, who thinks she's funny?  Laughable, but certainly not funny.

3. The Countess likes that she's 'organized'.  She says this with a crazy-assed scary-eye look.  Monitor the woman's intake of substances made with beans that are grown in South America.

Not five seconds later it starts. 'Do you know anything about me? I'm a countess." Sweet Mother of God what is it with the title, woman?  While some girls' eyes glaze over and other girls' eyes roll uncontrollably, she goes on and on about her (soon-to-be-ex. See Ethiopian sexpot in the previous post) husband's family and the Suez Canal and how he's related to the Statue of Liberty, blah, blah, blah.

After asking them what they would like to do with their lives, she belittles their answers, calling a girl who wants to be a babysitter, 'cute'.  A very overweight 10-year-old who wants to be a model is told that she will certainly be tall enough and has a beautiful face and that the 'losing weight part' is 'easy.' Really? Is it easy?

I never knew the true meaning of 'stunningly oblivious' until the next scene where she blatantly played to racial stereotype by mentioning that she noticed a gym on the way in and of course since the girls like to play basketball, she'd love to go on down to the gym and shoot some hoops with them - which she does - in stilettos - that probably cost what those kids' parents make in a month.

In the face time she reflects that the girls really appreciated her taking time out of her day to spend a few minutes with them to 'help' them.  I feel for those poor girls.  They had to endure an hour of hell with this woman for the sake of TV.  But seriously, there no end to the awfulness that is The Countess?

Real "Housewives" of NYC - Part the First

Okay, it's my dirty little secret.  I watch this show.  I actually DVR on Tuesday and watch it on Wednesday so I can relax with a glass of wine, watch the show sans commercials and read Richard's hysterical synopsis at Gawker.com in one sitting.  

I tried to watch the RH of Orange County.  I think I made it through part of one episode.  I didn't watch the RH of Atlanta.  But the RH of NY is like a train wreck I can't stop watching.  These women are awful. With the exception of Bethenny I would not want to know any of them.  But I seem to have embraced their horridness and thus my Wednesday night ritual.

For the uninitiated some basics:

Some of these women are wives - Bethenny and Kelly are single - but none of them seem to do anything remotely housewifey.  Unless of course you count shopping, lunching, and bitching about one another. That pretty much sums up every episode.

The Cast:

Bethenny - Top of the list for coolness.  She is some kind of celebrity chef who was on the cover of some snooty magazine in the Hamptons when this season began.  She is totally in your face; a no nonsense, tell-it-like-it-is type.  One reviewer said she functions like a smart-aleck Greek chorus injecting a snarky common sense into the madness generated by her co-stars, the rest of the 'housewives'.

The Countess LuAnn - married to some 3rd rate French Count geezer who is somehow related to the Statue of Liberty. His 4th wife, I believe and in the real world, not the TV world, this week he dumped her via email for a much younger Ethiopian sexpot he was courting in Geneva while his wife was in NYC doing countess-y things on a reality show).  Countess LuAnn believes her lofty position gives her the gravitas to write the soon-to-be-released etiquette tome, "Class With The Countess."  I am not making this up.  

Favorite Countess moment - she and the oft-absent Count (see Ethiopian sexpot reference above) were being honored by some random charity at some random Hamptons shindig.  At her table, The Countess bitched incessantly because the woman who introduced her didn't use the title 'Countess' enough times.  Then, annoyed that the other attendees were talking while the charity woman was speaking, she got up, grabbed the microphone and basically told everyone to shut the f&*k up.  After which she returned to her table and proceeded to talk loudly to her tablemates while the poor charity woman gamely tried to finish her speech.  Bethenny's take: it wasn't very 'countessy' in fact 'it was discountess'.  This is why I love Bethenny.

Second favorite Countess moment: The Discountess's meal ticket (see Ethiopian sexpot reference above)/daughter is off to boarding school in the fall and while it is still summer in the damn Hamptons, Countess LuAnn decides to host a luncheon for the girl and her friends.  About a dozen 14-year-old girls, looking extremely uncomfortable, arrive at the tent where lunch is to be served.  The Discountess's daughter appears to be praying for the Hellmouth to open and loose the demons on them all. 

Instead of the Hellmouth, however, the Discountess's mouth opens and proceeds to berate the poor girls for there abominable etiquette; 'YOU, close your mouth when you chew' - YOU, elbows off the table.' In her face time with the camera she self=righteously explains that she has done these girls a wonderful service by pointing out to them their egregious table manners and they are extraordinarily privileged to be in the presence of A Countess who is willing to help the poor dears. Not all girls are so blessed.  Again, I am not making this up.

Okay so we've covered Bethenny and The Discountess and this post is already way to long.  More to come on Ramona, Alex/Simon, Jill and Kelly Leatherface later.....